yday, while revelling in my affliction, i tried to text jenya, then sasha called me, then i called tolya.

i wouldn’t say that talking with em was satisfying at any point, but it was just human contact. i was angry and tired with what they had to say to me, but ah…….

tolya belched that maybe he’ll find a way to swing over my place today, but i know the cost of his words. i think shit costs more.

i had just finished saymak’s book that i bought yday, now i only have a smaller lem’s one.

the thing is that everything fucking traumatizing for me. even talks with aforementioned ‘people’. and even if tolya comes and does his fucking best to comfort me, which i highly fucking doubt, there still will be a traumatizing part of our past with him…..and him being what he is, a negligent bigot who took direct participation in destroying my life.

i rly like i have a possibility to talk with lera about the bad stuff. we talk a lot about that shit. it’s still annoying how hasty she is in the way she speaks. but still, it’s cool.

wow, that is fucking beautiful

wow, that is fucking beautiful

dawwww, i didn’t even see how cute that was cuz i looked away when watching it on pc, thx for gifs

ahh, wanted tp reblog this

lindsay looks like she’s 800 years ffs btw

hahahha, shut up

hahahha, shut up

so todaaaayyyyy…..was half a lazy daaaayyyy…..i did some work, but had some free time, too. also went to lunch with 5 men, my boss, zaur sr, his new assistant, and jenya from transport and accommodation dep. aaaand…..i didn’t feel a thing….like….years ago i would be fucking wet from a thought of this, and now i’m just like meh…..why am i wasting time and money for this, when i have the porridge in the fridge that i need to eat? like srsly, it won’t go bad, i’ll have it on saturday, but whatever. also today i seemed to pay more than last time.

i got paid yday…don’t wanna spend, but need to buy a fucking book. i chose clifford saymak. the bookshop is sorta on my way home, but i need to go out from the metro station. hhmmmmm……wonder if i should do that today or tomorrow.

also need to pay communal bills. and for parent’s garage. i’m already forgetting it for about half a year, yeah.

i got into couple of tea talks with lera from press dep. it’s cool that we can discuss problems, y’know, but she’s like a fucking squirrel, she can’t seat steadily for some time, she’s always this and that, putting jam into tea, tea into jam, ugh. but whatever. i was able to tell her about my insomnia and tears and issues and it was ok for her. hopefully i could get sleep from that. y’know. some human kindness.

i wonder if egor would fuck me….loool

wow, i feel so semiguilty for looking up dresses on tumblr while egor (was it?) is sitting sorta next to me and i wonder if he’s procrastinating, too. hahah. yeah, ok i would fuck him, but just like anyone else. at least that ‘function’ still works in my brain. means something, maybe….maybe i’m not completely dad as i were feeling like yday, or today in the morn….and noon, LOL.

hahahahahahaha

bloglikeaman:

Mice and men have much in common. Run. Run for your life! -B

pfffft, hahahahaha

bloglikeaman:

Mice and men have much in common. Run. Run for your life! -B

pfffft, hahahahaha

on a sunday morning

on a wednesday night

So, lying in bed. Blood thumps near my left ear, but it’s bearable…i had lost my pajama shirt-dress somewhere, can’t find it anywhere, yday i slept without it cuz i were hot and it was hard to fall asleep, i put it right fucking next to me, but today it seems nowhere to be found, wonder if i’ll be able to sleep without it. Hadn’t called anyone by the arrival, i was thinking kate or jenya, remembered that my boss actually gave me hints to use visa cell phone for personal use. I actually could do that, i THINK. It’s like i’m so honest that i don’t ask a half day off to go fucking see my psychotherapist, but if he almost tells me to use then why not, i could use a cpl of chats just before the sleep…or not, idk. Today at work was hard, but i guess ok. Hm. Idk.

I’m on a bus again, thise bloody three whom i had met yday are fucking here, too, so i pretend not to notice, bcuz i don’t want to. Told one hag, who wanted to go ahead of the cueue to suck off, she told me something bout my glasses, what a fucking bitch.
It was hard to sleep again. At 22 something i called jenya, she even gave me her home number, and i fucking cried while talking to her, and i cried after, being unable to fall asleep. FUCK, i hate this. Yday i was angry, today i’m just sad and want to dance. Thou i can’t. Thou i had spend a year in a fucking dancing school and our teacher, who is a fucking brilliant dancer, told me i was best in class. Ah finw, they’re fucking gone. Farefuckingnoywell.
Today i just feel hopeless, and idk….ruined…so fucking tired and ruined…

and then at work. currently i have nothing to do. people do not learn to close the fucking door whether i tell em to or don’t. fuckers. i feel like i’m breathing jelly instead of air, with a flavour that i don’t like. ugh. it’s so fucking terrifying not to be able to sleep, y’know, the fucking basic human function, and i’m incapable of it. that fucking sucks.

yday i was thinking about the break up. and how things got me so broken…..after all this time i still am….and i thought of myself as of a person with no future…..when i was riding a train yday i was asking myself “what do you want” and i replied “i don’t want anything” with crying. it’s because i am too afraid and fucking broken. that’s why. it’s not cuz i don’t really want things, y’know. it’s just after all what happened it seems impossible and….hard to take emotionally wise. i’m now even being wrecked emotionally by just having sex occasionally. can you fucking believe? i think that it’s….that i would ve wanted it to continue and so on. even if not for relationship, and then y’know, i’m also very amative and amorous…..i would eventually fall in love and then suffer.

it’s just like buddism states, life is a fucking chain of suffering.

gorshkova is messing around our room, meddling with my browsing of manga caps. blergh. i have no idea who is she, btw.

boss went somewhere.

took two phenazepams.

put on blue eyeliner.

i look good, but i’m not feeling it cuz of sleep deprivation. fuck sleep deprivation. fuck gorshkova. fuck everyone here.

should i put gold eyeliner on the lower lid…