on a sunday morning
on a wednesday night
So, lying in bed. Blood thumps near my left ear, but it’s bearable…i had lost my pajama shirt-dress somewhere, can’t find it anywhere, yday i slept without it cuz i were hot and it was hard to fall asleep, i put it right fucking next to me, but today it seems nowhere to be found, wonder if i’ll be able to sleep without it. Hadn’t called anyone by the arrival, i was thinking kate or jenya, remembered that my boss actually gave me hints to use visa cell phone for personal use. I actually could do that, i THINK. It’s like i’m so honest that i don’t ask a half day off to go fucking see my psychotherapist, but if he almost tells me to use then why not, i could use a cpl of chats just before the sleep…or not, idk. Today at work was hard, but i guess ok. Hm. Idk.
I’m on a bus again, thise bloody three whom i had met yday are fucking here, too, so i pretend not to notice, bcuz i don’t want to. Told one hag, who wanted to go ahead of the cueue to suck off, she told me something bout my glasses, what a fucking bitch.
It was hard to sleep again. At 22 something i called jenya, she even gave me her home number, and i fucking cried while talking to her, and i cried after, being unable to fall asleep. FUCK, i hate this. Yday i was angry, today i’m just sad and want to dance. Thou i can’t. Thou i had spend a year in a fucking dancing school and our teacher, who is a fucking brilliant dancer, told me i was best in class. Ah finw, they’re fucking gone. Farefuckingnoywell.
Today i just feel hopeless, and idk….ruined…so fucking tired and ruined…
and then at work. currently i have nothing to do. people do not learn to close the fucking door whether i tell em to or don’t. fuckers. i feel like i’m breathing jelly instead of air, with a flavour that i don’t like. ugh. it’s so fucking terrifying not to be able to sleep, y’know, the fucking basic human function, and i’m incapable of it. that fucking sucks.
yday i was thinking about the break up. and how things got me so broken…..after all this time i still am….and i thought of myself as of a person with no future…..when i was riding a train yday i was asking myself “what do you want” and i replied “i don’t want anything” with crying. it’s because i am too afraid and fucking broken. that’s why. it’s not cuz i don’t really want things, y’know. it’s just after all what happened it seems impossible and….hard to take emotionally wise. i’m now even being wrecked emotionally by just having sex occasionally. can you fucking believe? i think that it’s….that i would ve wanted it to continue and so on. even if not for relationship, and then y’know, i’m also very amative and amorous…..i would eventually fall in love and then suffer.
it’s just like buddism states, life is a fucking chain of suffering.
gorshkova is messing around our room, meddling with my browsing of manga caps. blergh. i have no idea who is she, btw.
boss went somewhere.
took two phenazepams.
put on blue eyeliner.
i look good, but i’m not feeling it cuz of sleep deprivation. fuck sleep deprivation. fuck gorshkova. fuck everyone here.
should i put gold eyeliner on the lower lid…