gonna spend a week in a psychiatric clinic hospital
my psychotherapist approves of my ‘no strings attached just sex’ life now. awwww fucking yeaaaahhhh literally. lol.
my psychologist agreed to be my friend and we’re going to a classical concert, hopefully this week, and she’s going to have a practice with me, cuz my physiotherapist agreed that i need more information than just transaction analysis. awwww yeaaahhhh.
the girl i got acquainted with in polyclinics called me HERSELF today (when i was anxious to text her for a fucking WEEK) and NOW turns out i’ma pay her a visit at her place and she has two cats AWWW YEAAAAHHHH.
literally aaawwww fuuuccccking yeaaah day today.
i ended it with pointlessly eating chips and a lil snickers bar even thou i didn’t want em so much. should watch some anime and go to bed.
cool day. finally. i smiled for real for like first time in two months, if not longer. :)))
i had a dream that i was a god of love. that i could seduce everyone and anyone. make people make love. i had golden holographic-like dots on my hands and all over my body. the dream was really interesting and pleasurable but it ended when i woke up and i couldn’t continue watching it afterwards.
it all started in some post apocalyptic society, where i had to change my appearance and abandon my previous body, which i like to have plays with some young boy worker on the plant, and i had another ugly body, so no one could know who i am, and then, when things changed i shaped that other ugly body into a beautiful one, and that boy was all grow up, didn’t even recognize me, i think, i couldn’t get in touch with him. it all proceeded to me finding something or going somewhere with somewhat secret purpose and i had to go through a hotel and find a place to rest and restore, found a room which was open, but soon the guests came around and a woman wanted to use me as an excuse that i’m her lover to get the divorce and i thought stupid, i’ll just make love to you and make you fall for each other once again, but there was a child, so we should have moved to the bath but it was over cuz i woke. there was some continuation to that, but i can’t remember.
i also remember making everyone make love in the plant, where it’s dirty and there are sparkles from welding and gigantic chains and people making love where and when it was forbidden by society and realizing for great it is and also another scene. i was in some sort of a club. i was a new ‘thing’ and they watched me make some dance moves and twist and coil however i could, to me it was more like a cat stretch and i caught a kiss here and there and ppl were like wow, but is that all, but they really liked me so then i fell on multiple hands and knees, in their adoration and all of them and I saw those golden marks on my body, everyone were mesmerized we started dancing, and making love and it was beautiful.
yeah, those are kinda dreams i see on regular basis btw.)))) this one was especially cool.
i am a god of love :)
i met with sasha today. it was okay. i told her stuff and cried. i won’t meet dr b tomorrow cuz he works this week end. still want to cry and feel weak. should eat. wash my face and go to sleep. sad.
i had juuuuust sent an e-mail with concert invitations to my psychologist (lol), cuz she’s just too nice and i need to socialise and i happen to like her, but that’s like, simple, right, it’s only an e-mail. i hadn’t yet texted that other girl i got acquainted with just recently.
still anxious about my lymphadenitis :(((((
and also lonely as fuck, yeah.
fuck me senseless….
should i say it’s been a shitty week? idk.
i managed to get to a surgeon. she said that those lumps in my leg and neck are trivial lymphadenyte cases and i should visit a haematologist in another polyclinic, take the blood tests with me. yday i asked in my psychiatric clinic if they could make me a copy of my tests and they did, but didn’t seal it in any way, said it should be enough. i’m more than sure that when i bring myself up to visit that doctor they would be grumpy about it, or even possible wouldn’t let me pass the examination without a seal, or without other additional blood tests.
when i was in a queue for a fluorography i got acquainted with a nice pregnant girl, we first blabbed about the queue, then about work, and then about husbands and i told her that i’m receiving treatment for depression rn, my next doctor appointment was about in an hour so i invited her for a cup of tea to my place and she agreed. we talked about men, and life, and problems. and it seemed like she liked me. she said when we parted that we should exchange numbers and i gave her my old card and then got her number, too. i mean, she asked to exchange numbers, right, but i’m still hesitant to ask her to meet me again. and i wonder what would we talk about? about my problems with….about my struggle with my psychotherapist? that i don’t want to refuse my understanding that good should be paid with good, and love with love in a relationship, of course there are exceptions, and i see em like everyday, but i think that what NEEDS to be is that. and i don’t want to cut it out from me. i wouldn’t be able to love without it. i want to be selfish, i want things for myself. not material ones, yeah, i know i can’t force them, but hey, i actually managed to sometimes. ha. fuck….
FUCK THIS ROTTEN CRAP!
i won’t be able to love like that! i won’t be able to do good stuff to people knowing that they MAY not give a fuck. do i just do that out of fear? to make em like me? and i’m so afraid they don’t even if i receive good, that i start to question it endlessly? still i don’t feel that i’m wrong. i want a peaceful warm relationship with a man, is that too fucking much to ask? i want to be his perfect one, the most important, y’know.
ok, this made me cry.
i don’t know what to do.
i just did nothing today.
fucking nothing. there were some errands i should have ran, but i just didn’t want to go out. and i couldn’t even bring myself up to read that book. i just didn’t want to. i wanted to stay out of that crap for a while.
i think i won’t even be finishing that ‘project’ writing all about getting this sort of experience for others bcuz i don’t want to. and i don’t remember everything to fill it fucking down. i fucking hate myself for that. i want to help people and i want them to fucking die!
to leave me be…
btw one of the last psychological test i passed said that people should yield to me, not the opposite, and that’s a computer test. a machine think i’m better than most fucking idiots, or, rather, my fucking principles are fucking better. just fuck you all! (meaning people).
i’m so fucking tired of everyone bringing me down. it’s not my fucking fault that you are all so inferior and that you’re jealous and evil and want to bring me down bcuz of all of that. fuck you for that! i wish you all just fucking die for that. i wish you just feel thousand times worse than what you made me feel and suffer fucking eternally for what you fucking did to me!!! all of you!!!! fuck you i fucking hate you all!
yday, my psychologist, who seem to be erm….more emotionally close to me now, was supposed to have a talk about those tests and the strategy for therapy with my psychotherapist, who now seems to me a bit distant after she said that what i believe in is an illusion and that it will make me hurt more and that i’ll be unhappy. first, that’s too fucking harsh to say to a patient in a fucking psychiatric clinic, it’s a wrong ‘scenario’, like she said. and then fuck her. i’m fucking mad at her. fuck her. i fucking hate that she said that! and then i am the one who’s supposed to choose another word instead of “hypocrites” for people who actually ARE hypocrites and liars and morons, and murderers and fucking liars and fucking traitors. and I am fucking supposed to live with THAT?! fuck her. bitch.
fucking hate everyone right now.
this is me, not being sure whether to text a girl i got acquainted just recently, to have tea again some day. and i’m 28. *SIGH*
i like filling questionnaires, this one seems to have lots of questions, so here i go to distract myself and have a lil fun.
1. Last kiss
2. Last phone call
3. Last text message
4. Last song you listened to
6. Dated someone twice
15. Made a new friend
43. High school/college
53. First piercing
54. First best friend
56. First Bestfriend
63. Waiting for
64. Want kids?
65. Get married?
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes
68. Hugs or kisses
76. Kissed a stranger
90. Santa Clause
thank you for noticing! means a lot to me :) have a nice day.